Usually, people joyfully anticipate the birth of their children.

But not me.

Me and Lumpy when he was just six weeks old. www.photosbylei.com

This was not my first rodeo. My first child had rocked my world.

(You NEED to read that story first so that this part two will have more weight to it. But since I know some of you are rebels, let me just say that post partum depression consumed me to the point of planning to take my own life. I had given up on God and hope. I was angrier than heck and completely frantic to stop the pain.  If you want to know what changed, you’ll have to read the first part. Trust me, it’s better written than this second part!)

I had shared the first part of my story a couple weeks before my due date with our second child, and I made it quite public. I knew I would need prayer and practical support.

Now, with the pending arrival of my second son, it seemed that all my friends and family were waiting with bated breath; watching me.

So I’m writing this as a long overdue follow up. My youngest is 19 months old now. We’re out of the baby stage (hallelujah).

But I did navigate the murky waters of post partum depression yet again.

And I’m glad.

Lumpy’s birth was the total opposite of Loopy’s. It was fast, natural, magical, empowering. We were off to a great start!

But within a couple days, we knew that we had another high-needs baby on our hands. Nursing was still a pain, sleep was few and far between, and the crying was well beyond the norm. Thankfully, we already had numerous ideas as to how to help since Loopy had already baffled our medical professionals and Google. So Lumpy was fussy, but only about 3/4th what his older brother had been.

There were other stressors. We moved into our first house weeks after the birth. (Yes, I know that’s my own fault.) Then Loopy (2 yrs old at the time) started acting increasingly strange. He became paralyzed with fear and lashed out about the strangest things. I was incredibly frustrated by his behavior and confused about how to respond. Did he need discipline or was something “wrong” with him? He was eventually diagnosed with sensory processing disorder and things improved dramatically with the right tools. Then my husband’s job became fickle, and we suddenly found ourselves making $250 a month with no savings.

So yeah, a little stressed.

But let’s get back to how I was handling things. How was my emotional state? Well, my friends and family were not the only ones on high alert. Since I was the one who had experienced the terror of PPD, I was the most afraid of letting it run rampant. I knew I would have to guard my thought-life vigilantly. No longer could I idly let any lie waltz through my mind to set up residence. I knew the havoc they could wreak. Don’t get me wrong, the vile thoughts would come knocking. But I rarely invited them to stay. It was a constant painful battle, but at least I was in the fight, instead of being a doormat like last time.

And I was clinging to one truth that I had learned the hard way during the first postpartum depression. The cross of Christ changes everything.

I had to keep preaching two things to myself. First, that the death of Jesus completely pays for my sins. When you act as ugly as I acted towards my children, you know, the guilt is damning. It takes a hefty amount of faith to believe that “it is finished.” But once you see the gravity of your sin and the sufficiency of Christ’s payment, grace will overwhelm you. Second, the power of sin in my life was broken at the cross. It’s certainly not a happy or popular thought, but the truth is, we were all once slaves to sin. And when you’re going through PPD, you feel it acutely. But Jesus’ death changed things. When the anger surges through me and all patience vanishes; when I can’t think of anything else but myself and my misery; I’ve been given the ability to not only deny the compulsion to lash out, but to act on radical love. I am not helpless. I’m not out of control. I have the power of the resurrected Christ working in me to make me holy. 

I know it may seem crazy to say out loud, but here it is, for the whole world to read:

I’m glad I’m went through Post Partum Depression TWICE.

Both times were beyond awful.

But the first time, I was blessed to see the depth of my sin. (Yes, it is a blessing to realize that something you thought was no big deal is actually going to kill you.) And when I thought there could be no hope for me, God’s  shouts penetrated my deaf heart, “I paid for that. Trust me.”

The second time, I got to see that salvation in action. Jesus didn’t just save me from my past mistakes, he’s equipped me to be an entirely new person. If I hadn’t gone through it again, I think I would have always wondered if I’d really been changed or if my circumstances had just gotten better.

It was nothing but grace to have the privilege of suffering through PPD again. Philippians chapter 3 explains it well. In it, Paul extols the surpassing worth of Jesus. And Paul’s willing to lose everything, if he can gain Christ. Paul wanted to “be found in him (Jesus), not having a righteousness of his own that comes from (following rules), but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith, that he may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in his death.”

You see, by going through post partum depression a second time, I got to KNOW, by experience, the life transforming power of the cross of Christ. I’ve heard it preached for so long, but this time, I lived it.

The Lumps and me this past summer.

So I’m writing this for you: dear friends who took my kids when I couldn’t take it any more; my brother who’d listen to my gut wrenching confessions of failure with a grace filled heart; my girlfriends far away that would text me with heart probing questions, just when I needed it; my husband who loved me unconditionally, yet again.

I’m writing this for you, fellow survivor. You can survive again. You can thrive again.

The post Why I’m Glad I got Post Partum Depression a Second Time appeared first on My Mundane and Miraculous Life.

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Loopy loves to bounce and throw things. He’s constant motion and noise. He’s very serious about music, directing the whole family what “instruments” they should play and how we should dance and sing to every song. He loves being read to and insists we read “The Jesus Storybook Bible” at every meal. Huge answer to prayer! He’s a thinker and asks abstract questions. He keeps me on my toes and always thinks he has a better plan than obeying me. He also dotes on his brother, loving to protect him. He’s an aspiring professional raspberry blower. And he’s obsessed with snails lately.

Lumpy is a little party animal. He’s dramatic and social; blowing kisses and nodding his head in agreement to everything Loopy says. He loves to talk constantly. His words include Mama, Daddy, “Broter”, Kitty Cat, Hi, Bye, Ball and more. He’s bound and determined to break Mommy’s back by never learning to walk. He can’t get enough of our cat. He thinks his big brother is the funniest kid in the world. And the two of them wrestle and giggle constantly. He may hold the record for biggest thighs on a baby.

Andy has been working in a new field for a couple months. It’s hard work, but this company seems to actually care for their employees. We’re so thankful! I have been trying to get serious about blogging and pretty much everything of note in my life, I blog about. Ha ha!

The biggest development has been another move. Not for us, hallelujah! My parents moved from my childhood home in Chicago to ten minutes down the road. I can’t even beginning to fathom all the blessings that will come from this! Hopefully my parents won’t wilt in the Texas heat. They still haven’t thawed out from the craziest Midwestern winter ever!

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With Loopy, I started labor 5 days before my due date, so I was expecting to have Lumpy a couple days before my due date; April 26th. Well that didn’t happen. But in the wee hours of the morning on his due date, I did start to have a yucky low back ache. I knew it could be a sign of pending labor, but didn’t want to get my hopes up so I tried to sleep without much success. But by about 5 am, the pain had lessened and I went about my morning. By late morning, I was feeling the back ache again so I decided to take a warm bath. Felt good and was pretty sure I wasn’t in labor. But when I got out of the tub around 11:30 I decided to lay down and see if I could count contractions/peaks in back ache pain. The contractions were more obvious to me as I laid there and were about 7 minutes apart. I decided to call Andy and tell him that today MIGHT be the day and he should be ready to come home from work if I called. At 12:45, I called the midwife to let her know I was having contractions between 7 and 4 minutes apart. We decided that they weren’t very consistent and since I had no bloody show, that’d I’d call back in an hour to see how things were progressing. Called Andy after that and asked him to come home because I was finally sure I was in labor and I wanted his support. I got up to use the restroom and things changed rapidly. The contractions were intense and super close. I tried to time them but I just couldn’t keep up because I was mostly by myself trying to bare each contraction. (My mother-in-law was with Loopy, trying to get him to nap as well as gather our things.)

At this point I am thinking “Julie you are such an idiot for trying this natural childbirth thing again! You’re clearly not cut out for it. I can’t believe you are going to have to pay for a birth center AND a hospital birth out of pocket AGAIN!” Thankfully, somewhere in my logical brain I remembered that self-doubt was a classic sign of transition (late labor right before pushing). I asked my mother-in-law to call Andy and see how far away he was. Reply: 20-25 mins. I immediately said, “meet us there.” So we woke up Loopy. He of course had a poopy diaper that needed changing. (My one and only expletive and let’s just say it fit the situation.) I had two contractions leaning against the car, while Loopy was getting buckled. We got in the car for the 7 minute drive to the birth center. I kept thinking, “might as well just take me to the hospital, I can’t stand this pain for even one more hour!!!” I had FOUR contractions during that ride. One in the parking lot. I left everything and shuffled as fast as I could into the center.
I busted into the back room, looking for the midwife. They were all smiles and asking me which room I wanted, “The Barcelona”, “The Zen”… I just mumbled something and kept booking it toward the closest room. I dropped on all fours, had a contraction. The sweet nursing assistant said, “Oh those seem strong.” Um yeah lady. The midwife wanted me to get on the bed so they could get my pants off and check my progression. I almost said no. Not sure what my plan was. Andy walked in the room. The sight of him was SUCH a relief to me. I had felt completely out of control with this labor and he had been my rock during Loopy’s outrageous labor. He’s such a great partner. I had a contraction while they were checking me and my water broke. First sign of blood. They asked if I wanted to know how far along I was. Well yeah, duh. I’m expecting them to say 5-6 cm. Nope, eight! Ok, great news, but I had hung out at an 8 with Loopy for many hours and I knew I couldn’t take that again. As they’re telling me this, I pushed a little, not sure why, except that I thought I had to fart or something. LOL.  The midwife was like “oh do you want to push? try it!” Then I hear, “Wow, it’s time to have this baby.” Then I panic. I start yelling I can’t do this, I don’t want to, blah blah. They told me I have no choice, the baby was coming soon. I know that pushing can sometimes take four hours so I ask, “how soon, like an hour?” They all laughed and said, “Ten minutes tops.” WHAT! I’m in total disbelief. The urge to push was intense. I was definitely one of those vocal ladies. I was yelling at the top of my lungs. I didn’t feel different contractions, I just kept pushing. I was gripping one of the wooden bars on the bed frame and felt it start to give way. The beginning couple pushes hurt more than the crowning. The midwife totally rocked. She eased Lumpy through with only a tiny little tear. I didn’t realize his head was out. When they told me I freaked because I hadn’t heard anything and I knew he was still inside me. They were all calm though and said they we suctioning his nose or something. Then they told me to give it everything I had and he was out, on my chest. I was still totally in awe. I kept thinking, “really that’s it? It’s over?” I was so happy. Lumpy looked so much like Loopy and I loved being able to feel present and alert for his arrival. I’ll never forget the weight of him on my chest. Oh, did I mention he weighed in at 9lbs 4 oz?
The afterbirth was not nearly as traumatic as with Loopy. Everything went smoothly. We ate cinnamon rolls and Jimmy John’s subs. Loopy was there and was super adorable meeting his little brother. It was seriously perfect.

I arrived at the birth center at 1:55pm and Lumpy was born at 2:08pm. We were home that evening by 8 pm, feeling great! Will I attempt a natural birth should we have a third? Heck yes!

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7 am Get up and make myself as presentable as possible in 15 mins
7:15 Owen wakes up and we eat breakfast
8 am Chores that Owen helps me with (unloading dishwasher, make bed, start laundry)
9 am Bible time (story, sing, pray) Probably only a full 10 mins!
9:30 Outside time (usually a two mile walk and playground time since we’re in an apt.)
10:30 Art (I’m really trying to stretch myself here because I don’t like messes and I’m not creative!)
11 am Snack
11:30 Unit Reading (I’ve picked a thematic unit for each month. Jan. is the ocean. I gathered tons of books from the library with drawings and real photos and some he loves and others he couldn’t care less for, but it introduces him to the concept and I can already see his “world” expanding!)
Lunch
Nap
Whatever we want

Like I said even this laid back order to the day has rarely happened, but we are doing learning and creating more than if I just focused on my own to-do list and then threw in random play time.
Here’s some pics of our art projects!

 

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 In September, we had the privilege of visiting Andy’s family in Colorado via an airline gift certificate! Woowhoo! Owen can’t get enough of Grandpa.

Owen and his Uncle Jake (They look so much alike!)

Did we mention Owen is gonna be a big brother in April??? He’s pretty excited about it. So are we.

My dear friend Christine came out for a visit. This is Owen showing her some Austin sites, namely, Barton Springs pool.

 Then my whole family came for a visit. What a blessing! I just love these folks. Owen wore Uncle Tim out with all his silliness.

Ok, who’s the silly one?

Dancing with Gram

Then my folks made a HUGE SACRIFICE (dripping sarcasm) and watched Owen for a couple hours so Andy and I could have our first date night in four months. We sure do miss having family close by. But it looks like everyone is coming back to our place for Christmas. Can’t wait!

Chicago Style Pizza, Free Jazz, and My Hubs All to Myself

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After that we went to Zilker Park. Only the coolest place in town. Well, I mean, there’s a lot of cool places, but this is an all-around awesome place to spend the day. Huge city park, walking trails along the lake, canoeing, botanical gardens, free outdoor theater, a natural spring/pool… we decided to ride the Zilker Zephyr. Take a peek.

Every time it would slow down, Owen made the sign for more because he didn’t want it to end.

So handsome and sleepy.

 

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 Just a quick update of our latest fun times in Austin… Owen loves helping me on the computer.

 Owen’s new apron for crafts and gardening. Looks like a Home Depot dude.

We got the wonderful opportunity to go the Oasis Restaurant on Lake Travis with some friends from our small group back in Chicago who were swinging through Austin. What a view.

Waiting for the bats to take off from Congress bridge…

Got the giggles…

Everything turns into a phone. Even if it’s a surge protector. Ha ha!

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